Is intimacy worth it or is it just a false morel ?

While growing up, you are looking forward to getting to the day in which you can handle the wounds. You are hurt. so does everybody else. You seek escape from pain. You can't wait the arrival of the day in which you are tough enough to manage the blue moments of your life.
Then there you are. All grown up. mature enough to get in touch. You have heard many fairy tales of true friendship and great bonding. You are looking hard to find your fairy tale! That's where you make the biggest mistake. Life is damn real and fairy tales are not. You fall into a pattern of intimacy which does not exist. You have the dream. You start building up. Then you are hurt. one after each other. You lose your hope and start being pessimistic. You are looking for the cocktail hour. All you get is the mourning night !
You look for the non-judgmental good listener. All you get is an advice-giver. You wonder why your friend does not care about you as much as you care about the relationship. People come and go. People have got their own stories. You try and try and the chemistry doesn't always work. 
You start counting the numbers. counting the wounds. counting the people who have come to your life. How many relationships should you have to find the real one ? How many times are you going to experience the hardship of a break-up ?
Is intimacy worth it or is it just a false morel ? 
Are you trying too hard ? 
Isn't forgiveness the true mark of maturity ? How come you can't let the ones who hurt you back in your life ? Are you selfish or are you scared ?
The damn fairy tales confused us to death ! 

 
 
 

Is the new day approaching too fast ?

Fridays are off and having quality time with my apartment is what I can't get enough of !But it is a tricky day of the week. The only tricky one for me. 
Many people feel depressed on the weekend, specially on the evening of the last day. Fridays are associated with this feeling for us. You plan to have a fun one, but no matter where you are, alone or surrounded by people, You feel trapped
 under sorrow and there is no way to get out. 
You start overthinking while feeling upset. and overthinking about different stuff doesn't go anywhere good. Little problems seem like big deals and you look so weak and fragile on the other hand. 
You can hear the sound of world giving collective groan on the weekends. You are with people and you feel damn alone. The only day you were off is receding quickly and the blues of the work day are setting in. So no matter what a great week you had, there is always a cloud that descends. 
You know it's not the end of the world , but you also know that it is a beginning of something you are not looking forward to. 
I have to go to university this week and deep down I know I will postpone it again. thinking about things you postpone is a downer. So now my head is swirling with tasks for the upcoming week and I am trying hard to find the best medicine for my Friday blues. Am I going to survive ?

 
 
 

Do we ever forget ?

I thought buying a new phone and a new number is just exciting. Although I had difficulty in accepting the new number. I didn't have any other choice though. Well it is exciting of course , but it doesn't end there. 
I felt brand new with the new number. It was like I was surrounded by nothing but air. It was like a new start. I didn't feel like needing one though. I decided not to export my contacts and have them added manually. It was like deep down I knew there are numbers I don't want anymore. 
People who have come to my life and have already gone. People who had hurt me in a way and not adding them to the new contact list seemed much easier than deleting them from the old one. 

It was weird and also interesting for me. sometimes you forget what you are surrounded by. It's seems crowded out there but the truth is that there are many strangers you don't have anything in common with. you should be bold enough to delete. I guess I was not. So I remade a new contact list trying to forget the ones who I should have deleted long times ago. 

Am I a night-dreamer ?

Neil Gaiman once said: " People think dreams are not real just because they are not made of matter, of particles.But they are made of viewpoints, of images,of memories and puns and lost hopes. " I'm not sure if mine comes from a lost hope or metaphor of what I am seeking in the world after. I don't even believe in it. I lack knowledge and I strongly believe that everybody's knowledge about it is insufficient. 
However, I have this dream and it hits me a lot that I am a bird flying high to a waterfall. There is this deep silence in the air and the only sound filling is the sound of water drops falling down. I am going forth and back, flying around and just feel great. It seems to me that I have found the meaning of living in that moment and nothing is important anymore. It's like pure 100% peace floating in my wings. 

Watching the world from the high angel is what I am really interested in. I remember some months ago I actually made a board on pinterest and named it || After death, if I could fly || and then I just pinned many photos of high angle in it. Sometimes at nights when I'm ready to fall asleep, I just take a look at that special board of mine and think about observing everything there, from that sacred angel. I close my eyes and I see New York city . The yellow cabs bustling and people walking so fast to get somewhere. And then I go to cinemas, cafes, bars and vacant alleys. I visit Paris, Prague, Beirut, Zagreb and the journey  goes on and on ...  I close my eyes and I become this floating ghost or a bird or anything like that and I just feel like I am high. drunk with my dreams... That is the best kind, isn't it ? 


p.s: Look at my board. All the places I have been to...dreaming. 

How many is ENOUGH ?

I am not a yoga person. sitting for a long time and listening to different kinds of speech bore me to death. I don't believe in many common things others may do. I don't know if there is a thing such as Karma. I don't believe in God either. However, I am not an atheist. I just think there are many other important stuff in the world that we should think about. The existence of God is not one of them for me.  It doesn't make any difference in my life. 
I have principles though. and it's hard for me to deal with people who don't. 
I try not to hurt people and not to expect too much. I try to be responsible for whatever I am doing and I try to be kind with people and other creatures. 
I don't believe in spiritual journeys, but I believe in positive vibes. I try hard to keep my life on the positive side. 
That's why I am so picky with choosing friends. Negative people are dangerous. They can take your happiness away in a moment. People who are irresponsible with their life and expect others to carry the burden are not safe. They can hurt you badly and they will have a bad influence on your lifestyle. 
I hate making a speech, but those words are coming from the place my experience lies in. We all get hurt in our life. The important thing is to learn the lesson and stop making the same mistake over and over again. 

 Sometimes I look back and I count the things which went wrong in my life and I try to find the reason behind any of them. believe me or not the reason is always pointing to me. Why is it so hard to keep away from those who hurt you most ? Why do I repeatedly forget the history behind a relationship ? 

 

 

 

A rewarding trip !

I've had so many things to do on my resolution list this year. I am not sure about many of them,but I think one of the biggest one is working fine ! 

I decided to get out of shell or my cave or anything like that more often and try to have some outdoor life. Well, with all the short trips and camping and riding a bike and running, I can say I am handling it finally. 

Today we had a short trip ( 3 hours ) with our besties to a beautiful jungle before Savadkooh. My partner and I were familiar with the spot since we discovered it last year on another trip. We loved it cause it was secluded and silent in a great way.

 

This is a frame I wish I could take everyday. I'm not a religious person and believe me, living in a religious country ruled by a religious system is frustrating sometimes. Look at my bestie, happy and playful wearing what she wants. I'm trying hard to be who I am here. And to be honest, some days r damn hard. I think I needed this camping trip to let my hair breathe.

Anyway, I am such a foodie person and all I was thinking about last night was the Jooje kebab we r going to have there. It was raining a little bit and lighting a fire seemed impossible. However my great companies did their best to help the fire last as long as we needed. 

 

That was actually my favorite part of the trip. If I was asked the question Friends asked each other in the series ( sex or food ?) I would definitely go with food. ;)

 

Another amazing thing about nature and camping is that you can actually experience cool natural ways of living like lighting a fire or making tea on coal-fired kettle. Everything seems sexy in nature and it actually tastes better. 

I am such a technophile and I don't change my city life with anything else but it's nice to have a bit of experience of living more simply. 

Look at my dearest friend posing so beautifully.  

 I may be mad at myself for not doing many things and postponing lots of stuff, but at least I am pleased with the way I am embracing nature this year. My partner and I are having a better relationship with animals and we r trying to care about them more than before. 

 We had the best road trip too. We saw the most breathtaking fog of our lives and there was snowing in some parts of the road. safe and sound though. Our besties took a great nap in the car and we didn't wake them up. We knew how tired they were from all the work and the stress of the city life. Watching them while sleeping was a bless.