Since you need to learn many things through life, you need to learn to regret too. You do things that flummox you, unimaginable things that make you pause and reconsider who you really are and what you are capable of.
I am not a bad person. Too kind most of the times and always try to make the right decision. But it does not mean that I can't be the worst version of myself. Every single person can be the worst. People can be born with wings and end up being a murderer or something. That is the quality I should keep on mind. People are not perfect, still we tend to forget the fact that we have weaknesses. We strive for perfection in many ways that we forget the magical moments we could enjoy the most.
There was this episode in Black Mirror series that was about making a robot kind of thing of your beloved after his death so you don't feel lonely or lost anymore. It was so interesting cause at first it was just like a great way to find peace. However, later the robot became so annoying that the woman kicked him out of the house. The most annoying part was that he was perfect now. It was like we can't be happy unless we experience ups and downs. Perfect human being is not a dream but a nightmare.
The most important thing is to be aware where you are and what you are capable of doing...
While growing up, you are looking forward to getting to the day in which you can handle the wounds. You are hurt. so does everybody else. You seek escape from pain. You can't wait the arrival of the day in which you are tough enough to manage the blue moments of your life.
Then there you are. All grown up. mature enough to get in touch. You have heard many fairy tales of true friendship and great bonding. You are looking hard to find your fairy tale! That's where you make the biggest mistake. Life is damn real and fairy tales are not. You fall into a pattern of intimacy which does not exist. You have the dream. You start building up. Then you are hurt. one after each other. You lose your hope and start being pessimistic. You are looking for the cocktail hour. All you get is the mourning night !
You look for the non-judgmental good listener. All you get is an advice-giver. You wonder why your friend does not care about you as much as you care about the relationship. People come and go. People have got their own stories. You try and try and the chemistry doesn't always work.
You start counting the numbers. counting the wounds. counting the people who have come to your life. How many relationships should you have to find the real one ? How many times are you going to experience the hardship of a break-up ?
Is intimacy worth it or is it just a false morel ?
Are you trying too hard ?
Isn't forgiveness the true mark of maturity ? How come you can't let the ones who hurt you back in your life ? Are you selfish or are you scared ?
The damn fairy tales confused us to death !
Fridays are off and having quality time with my apartment is what I can't get enough of !But it is a tricky day of the week. The only tricky one for me.
Many people feel depressed on the weekend, specially on the evening of the last day. Fridays are associated with this feeling for us. You plan to have a fun one, but no matter where you are, alone or surrounded by people, You feel trapped
under sorrow and there is no way to get out.
You start overthinking while feeling upset. and overthinking about different stuff doesn't go anywhere good. Little problems seem like big deals and you look so weak and fragile on the other hand.
You can hear the sound of world giving collective groan on the weekends. You are with people and you feel damn alone. The only day you were off is receding quickly and the blues of the work day are setting in. So no matter what a great week you had, there is always a cloud that descends.
You know it's not the end of the world , but you also know that it is a beginning of something you are not looking forward to.
I have to go to university this week and deep down I know I will postpone it again. thinking about things you postpone is a downer. So now my head is swirling with tasks for the upcoming week and I am trying hard to find the best medicine for my Friday blues. Am I going to survive ?
I thought buying a new phone and a new number is just exciting. Although I had difficulty in accepting the new number. I didn't have any other choice though. Well it is exciting of course , but it doesn't end there.
I felt brand new with the new number. It was like I was surrounded by nothing but air. It was like a new start. I didn't feel like needing one though. I decided not to export my contacts and have them added manually. It was like deep down I knew there are numbers I don't want anymore.
People who have come to my life and have already gone. People who had hurt me in a way and not adding them to the new contact list seemed much easier than deleting them from the old one.
It was weird and also interesting for me. sometimes you forget what you are surrounded by. It's seems crowded out there but the truth is that there are many strangers you don't have anything in common with. you should be bold enough to delete. I guess I was not. So I remade a new contact list trying to forget the ones who I should have deleted long times ago.
Neil Gaiman once said: " People think dreams are not real just because they are not made of matter, of particles.But they are made of viewpoints, of images,of memories and puns and lost hopes. " I'm not sure if mine comes from a lost hope or metaphor of what I am seeking in the world after. I don't even believe in it. I lack knowledge and I strongly believe that everybody's knowledge about it is insufficient.
However, I have this dream and it hits me a lot that I am a bird flying high to a waterfall. There is this deep silence in the air and the only sound filling is the sound of water drops falling down. I am going forth and back, flying around and just feel great. It seems to me that I have found the meaning of living in that moment and nothing is important anymore. It's like pure 100% peace floating in my wings.
Watching the world from the high angel is what I am really interested in. I remember some months ago I actually made a board on pinterest and named it || After death, if I could fly || and then I just pinned many photos of high angle in it. Sometimes at nights when I'm ready to fall asleep, I just take a look at that special board of mine and think about observing everything there, from that sacred angel. I close my eyes and I see New York city . The yellow cabs bustling and people walking so fast to get somewhere. And then I go to cinemas, cafes, bars and vacant alleys. I visit Paris, Prague, Beirut, Zagreb and the journey goes on and on ... I close my eyes and I become this floating ghost or a bird or anything like that and I just feel like I am high. drunk with my dreams... That is the best kind, isn't it ?
p.s: Look at my board. All the places I have been to...dreaming.
well, Albert Einstein reportedly thought of his theory of relativity while riding his bike. The theory of relativity has already been discovered, so I needed to think about something else on the bike. I was actually thinking about leaving the country I am living in behind and just go somewhere far far away from this craziness. The importance of this thought is that I have always wanted to stay here even in the hardest days and despite all limitations. This was actually the first time I was thinking of leaving.
I may not go anywhere soon,but I am tired of many things .
my bestie was arrested last night in the street because she was wearing a woolen kind of hat on her scarf. The police arrested her cause they believed it is a kind of getting-attraction work of art. She was humiliated and was really angry. She came here and we had dinner with our partners. We had a good laugh and she cooled down a little .
I have stayed here all these years cause I thought the only problem was the authority. However, these days I'm reconsidering my thoughts. people r the ones who I am tired of.
people with their judgmental eyes and their strict opinion about every single matter.
I was riding a bike and I was thinking the only way to be happy in Iran is to live in a protective bubble you make around yourself. The one that you allow the selected people to get in and the house in which you live as u like.
I've got my partner, my besties and my house. Am I gonna survive ?
